From the Ashes 63
by erttheking
Summary: The crew of the story From the Ashes find themselves in an interesting place talking to some interesting people. An April Fools Day submission. Non-canon as all Hell.


From the Ashes 63

Author's Note: This is as non-canon as fuck. I hope you enjoy.

XXXXX

Roger, Sheryl and Nora all analyzed the situation in front of them. They had been here for a good hour and they were still having a hard time believing it. They couldn't remember where they had been when this had happened, only that they had been with Adam, Cornelia, Volker and Tali at the time. Now the seven of them were stuck in what looked like a luxury apartment. There was no apparent way out, but they didn't seem to be in any danger, and there was a lack of urgency in the air. Mainly because they were still trying to figure out how this all was possible.

The three of them were all sitting on a couch looking at three people sitting opposite them across a glass table. The three people that they were looking at were none other than themselves. Or rather, themselves if all of their genders had been swapped. "This is just fucking weird," the female Roger said, wearing a tank top and cargo pants, her black hair in a ponytail that stopped at the small of her back. She was a spitting image of Roger, slightly thiner, but the same rugged looks, the same noticeable scars near the eye, and the same worn implants

"You're telling me," the male Nora said, "this was supposed to be our night off. The one night we could actually go out to a club and unwind." He sighed as he leaned back, glancing at the cyborg woman sitting next to him. "Really sorry things didn't work out Rachel."

Rachel looked back, her face flushing heavily as she took in how the male Nora was dressed. It was a long red dress that stretched all the way down to her feet, the material from the waist up very lacy, and leaving his arms bare save for a pair of black gloves. The red itself was an extremely dark shade, the kind of shade that one could get lost in. The male Nora was overall significantly thinner than Nora, still sporting noticeable muscles, but built more like a jogger, where as Nora was built like a boxer. To top it all off, he had a short pony tail, the end of which was sticking out of the back of his hat, the same hat as Nora's.

"You're always red in the face when you see Norman in that dress," the male Sheryl said, smirking as he glanced at Rachel from her right side. He was around the same build as Sheryl, maybe an inch or two taller, hair possibly a little bit shorter and a slightly thicker jaw and build, but not much else noticeable apart from that. His skin was the same eery white as Sheryl's, and his eyes the same blood red. He was wearing a blue long sleeved shirt and pants of matching color, one of the sleeves cut off to make room for his painted white cybernetic arm.

"Fuck off Simo," Rachel said, elbowing the the albino man playfully.

"I didn't say that I blame you," Simo said, rubbing his side gently. "I'm not gonna lie, he does manage to pull the look off very well."

"I know," Rachel said, her face darkening further. "A little too well," she mumbled.

"…What the fuck am I supposed to say?" Roger said, looking at their opposite gender clones. "Oh just a second, I'm gonna go get another drink for me and myself, she doesn't want any ice?"

"Wouldn't say no," Rachel said, a small smile playing around her face.

"So, just to clarify," Nora said, Sheryl rubbing her temples as she looking back and forth between the two groups. "You three are like us in that you're trying to figure out where you stand, right?"

"That's one way of putting it," Norman said. "But for the most part yeah. I didn't even think I liked guys, but I really don't mind the idea of being with Simo."

Simo blushed deeply. "Right back at you," he whispered.

"And everyone else, they're the opposite gender of where we come from?" Sheryl asked. "Jessica is a man? Admiral Anderson is a woman? Liara is," she hesitated, her voice trailing off as confusion coated her face. "Wait, how would that work?"

"In order, yes, Jesse is a guy, if you're talking about the member of Omega Squad, and yes it's Admiral Davina Anderson," Norman said. "Liara is…well, are the Asari really good looking guys where you come from?"

"No, they're good looking women," Roger replied. "They're more masculine in nature where you come from?"

"Yup, pretty much a stereotype for every women in the galaxy to want to be with them. More than a few guys too," Simo said. "Think I'll pass though."

"So exactly what do you say when you meet yourself except you've got a cock?" Rachel said, resting her head on her hands. "Not exactly something you do every Sunday night."

"I dunno," Roger said. "Ask if you've ever been double penetrated?"

"Blow me," Rachel said, even as her face turned a bright red.

"Yup, he's you all right," Simo said, sighing slightly, even as he continued to smile.

"So, random question," Norman asked. "Did you try to disguise yourself as a guy?" he asked, pointing at Nora. She gave a nod. "Huh. Tried to pass myself off as a woman for awhile. Pretty damn tricky, but I think I managed to do it without too much trouble."

"Just gotta be careful never to take your shirt off in public right?" Nora said, smiling. "And don't mind when people give you weird looks because you're wearing dust coat while training?"

"Yup, something like that," Norman said.

"Ok, this is just getting more and more fucking weird with every second," Roger said. "I mean, did we do EVERYTHING the same way, just with different genitalia?"

"He swears all the time like you too," Simo muttered.

"Watch it shorty," Rachel said.

"I can feel the love in the air," Norman said dryly.

"So, just for the record, you fought Saren on Eden Prime," Sheryl said, pointing at Rachel, "You joined up after we rescued Liara," she pointed to Norman, "and you were on the Normandy from the start," she pointed at Simo.

"Yeah, that seems to sum it up pretty well," Rachel said. "Wait, his name is Saren where you come from? That's a pretty fucking stupid name."

"Yeah well, it's the pretty fucking stupid name of someone who shot both of us. In a way," Roger said.

"There isn't a single sentence in this conversation that doesn't drive me to drink," Nora said, fighting back the urge to sigh.

On the other side of the apartment, Adam was sitting in a chair next to a dark skinned woman with snow white hair in a tight bun and more than a few noticeable wrinkles on her face. Her clothes were very plain looking, a featureless long sleeved white shirt and dark pants, a bottle of Nuka-Cola in her hands. "I suppose taste is something that transcends gender," Adam said, grinning before raising his own bottle of Nuka-Cola and taking a sip from it.

"Well, was there ever any reason to believe otherwise?" the female Adam joked.

"Fair point," he said, as the female Adam drank from her own bottle. "And I take it your Cornelia acts just like ours does?"

"That depends," the female Adam said, the two of them looking ahead of them. Cornelia and her male counterpart were both sitting on either sides of a table, their right hands locked together as they desperately pushed against each other in an arm wrestling competition. "Is female Cornelius a hyperactive adrenaline junkie with a romantic streak and a taste for one nighters with attractive members of the opposite sex?"

"That certainly sounds like Cornelia," Adam said.

"Oh, you go to Innus' Services too?" Cornelia said, smiling as she continued to push against Cornelius. He looked almost like a spitting image of her, short of hair being cropped into a short, attractive, messy style and having an inch or two on her, he had the same playful smile and energetic look in his eyes.

"Hell yes I do!" he said enthusiastically. "Do my damn best to make sure the girls have just as much of a good time as I do."

"Ha! We're on the same page there! I always love it when I can get the boys practically foaming at the mouth to have another go at me," Cornelia said.

"Well, this is awkward," Adam said, looking back and forth between the two. "It's like watching a brother and sister talk about how many people they've had sex with."

"A little creepy when you stop and think about it too," the female Adam said.

"Alice, you're over analyzing it," Cornelius said. "We're just chilling out and asking questions, and besides, we're each other. So really, we're just complimented ourselves."

"In other words you're saying that you and Cornelia are narcissists," Adam said. "I'm not sure if that's something that you want to be admitting to doing."

"Oh, what's wrong with being proud of yourself?" Cornelia asked, pushing hard against Cornelius and gaining a few inches on him, before he countered and pushed her back. "Speaking of which, don't get too comfortable buddy, your knuckle is gonna be pretty sore in a few seconds."

"Oh, you're cute," Cornelius said playfully. "Or rather, I'm cute. I'm not going down without a fight, you should know that better than anyone else."

"This is actually happening isn't it?" Alice asked, glancing at Adam.

"Hallucinations aren't out of the question," Adam said. "Someone could have spiked my soda with some form of drug and in reality I'm just drooling in the corner somewhere, muttering to myself."

"I could be doing the same," Alice said, looking down at her drink. She lifted up the bottle, giving it an experimental sniff before shrugging and taking another sip. "And really if I am, no point in avoiding drinking more, I'm already drugged."

"And these are perfectly good bottles. So bottoms up," he said, holding out his bottle. Alice grinned as they clinked the glass bottles together before lifting them to their mouths. In between the two groups, Volker and Tali were both sitting at a table, looking at their counterparts. The female Volker had long flowing hair that stopped at the small of her back and was wearing what appeared to be a rather old fashioned shirt and skirt. While they looked like they had had some 1940s design, they also appeared to be brand new. The female Volker's face also appeared to be very delicate looking, or at least it had been at some point. While her beauty could still be seen, her face was noticeably rough around the edges and the scars from her battle with Omega squad were just as bad as Volker's. Her cybernetic eye was even the same shade of green.

"So, I imagine things were a little different for you Viktoria," Volker said. "I mean, we treated women a lot differently back home."

Viktoria nodded sadly. "They didn't draft me to have an extra body like they did with you. They did it out of spite. One of the SS officers looked me in the eye before I was shipped out, a smile on his face, and told me I'd be dead within a week. I could barely sleep at night, had to keep my gender hidden. If I didn't," she gently trailed off, gripping the hem of her dress.

The male Tali reached forward, arms gently coiling around Viktoria. "You don't need to talk about it if you don't want," he said gently.

"It's ok Talo," Viktoria said, "He knows already. He saw the same things as me. Most of them at least. And I'm all right with talking about them."

"Maybe it would just be for the best if we stopped here," Volker said, smiling softly at Viktoria. "I mean, after all, I feel like we should be taking this chance to rest. We shouldn't be traumatizing ourselves."

"I agree," Talo said, his hand slowly reaching up and running through Viktoria's hair.

She giggled. "It always tickles when you do that," she said.

"Sorry," Talo said, lowering his hand and blushing heavily. "It just feels so soft and silky. I've never felt anything like it before."

Volker chuckled a little as he looked at the two. "That's odd, I don't remember Tali ever doing anything like that. I suppose that we're not complete copies of each other in terms of personality." He was about to continue when he felt a three fingered hand gently pressing against the top of his head. He turned to see Tali pulling her hand back, her face a dark purple.

"I just thought that I'd give it a try!" she blurted out, nervously wringing her hands. "It did feel rather nice though," she continued, looking down as she continued to press her palms against her knuckles. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for," he said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"She's just as bad as me," Talo said resting her head on Viktora's shoulder.

"It makes you look cute," the German woman said, "and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about her."

"I won't lie, I do feel that way sometimes," Volker said. He chuckled nervously, sounding as if he was wondering if he should stop talking before he got himself in trouble. "You look cute when you blush too."

"Bosh'tet." Tali whispered.

"There's something I've been wondering about though," Talo said. "How did this happen anyway?"

Many light years away, two people stood in a room, working at terminals in front of a giant metal platform in the middle of the room. Both of them wore white lab coats, their hair greasy and unkempt, and a bright golden tooth in both of their mouths. "So, your inter-dimensional portal didn't work either Dr. Goeth?" the man asked.

"No, it seems I made the same error as you Dr. Goeth," the woman said, her significantly longer hair, whipping around her as she turned around to look at him. "But I've finished recalibrating it, and it should be ready to get what we want this time." She gave a toothy grin. "This is gonna be a fun one."

"Here's hoping," the man said, bringing his fist down on his terminal. A massive burst of electricity discharged right above the platform as the machine whirred to life. Both of the Goeths watched as the tiny beginning of a portal appeared, slowly expanding as it came into existence. Both of them could feel the raw power that it was giving off as it stretched even further, stray bolts of energy shooting off and slamming into the walls. Before too long, it had stretched even further and something had emerged from the portal. A massive creature with sickly green skin, towering over the two of them with hundreds of tentacles making up what looked like a beard. Its pale yellow eyes looked down at them.

"Do I have the pleasure of speaking with a Mr. Cthulhu?" the man asked. Cthulhu said nothing.

"Aw yes, we would like to file a complaint," the woman said. As she spoke, she reached out and picked up a dusty leather bound book, flipping it open. "According to this unabridged copy of the Necronomicon, you are the high priest of Yog-Sothoth and it is your duty to carry out his will." As she continued to read from the Necronomicon, a stickily black substance began to leak out of her eyes, while a putrid smelling brown liquid dripped from her mouth. She didn't react to either at all. "This duty is specifically to bring about the end of all life on Earth when the sunken city of R'lyeh rises."

"And Mr. Cthulhu, the majority of humans no longer live on Earth," the man said as the woman closed the book, wiping away the foul smelling liquids with disinterest. "And must say I'm rather disappointed with your performance. You could have wiped out the entire human race in one fell swoop while they were all still on Earth, but now you've missed that chance. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask to speak with Mr. Yog-Sothoth about your performance. Could you fetch him for me?"

Cthulhu didn't say anything as he slowly crept back into the portal, it closing shut behind him with a crack.

"Well, time to wait and see if we can get a hold of anyone," the woman said, placing the Necronomicon to the side.

"In the meantime, what major breakthroughs have you made?" the man asked.

"Where do I begin?" she said.

XXXXX

Author's Note: Just a fun little thing I thought I'd do for April Fool's Day. I am so sorry I haven't gotten an update recently, I just can't focus on writing nowadays. I'll do what I can to get the next chapter up ASAP, I promise.


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